


You've Got Electronic Letters: The Unholy Correspondence of Nandor the Relentless, Guillermo de la Cruz and Other Miscellaneous Dark Creatures

by HeartlessMemo, Jackie_Gaytona



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crack, Epistolary, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, GuillermoGoth2000, Humor, M/M, Nandor vs. Technology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26527213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartlessMemo/pseuds/HeartlessMemo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackie_Gaytona/pseuds/Jackie_Gaytona
Summary: Lonely vampire enthusiast and blogger, Guillermo de la Cruz (aka GuillermoGoth2000), receives a mysterious e-mail message out of the blue. It's from some guy calling himself "Nandor the Relentless" who claims to be an actual vampire. Guillermo is so sick of trolls...An epistolary imagining of Guillermo's early days as Nandor's familiar...
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 18
Kudos: 47





	You've Got Electronic Letters: The Unholy Correspondence of Nandor the Relentless, Guillermo de la Cruz and Other Miscellaneous Dark Creatures

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! You've got mail...from Nandor and Guillermo!? And some other special friends as well...
> 
> This is a collaboration between Meli and Chels, AKA Chehhsshh and Smeli Meli! We hope it brings you as much joy as we experienced creating it.
> 
> Special thanks to Spiff and andyandnormski for helping brainstorm the title!!
> 
> EDIT: All, we love you!! We've declared this work a one-shot. Based on the number of WIPs that each of us have going and the fact that we haven't worked on the next part in months lollll. We love you all so much for reading and appreciating this fic!! It was SO FUN TO WRITE IT!!

**From:** travelbug54@aol.com  
**To:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**Date:** Sep 29, 2009 3:43 PM  
**Subject:** Couldn’t help but overhear...

Hey Nan Man!  
I noticed you unsubscribed from my bi-weekly travel newsletter, Travels with Colin Robinson. I’m guessing that was another hilarious Nandor technology bungle. I took the liberty of signing you up again. I think you’ll enjoy the next installment. I’m taking a deep dive into the kitschy monotony of Becket, Massachusetts! Did you know that the town derives its name from the estate held by Admiral Lord Barrington, the so-called “good friend” of the Royal Governor of Massachusetts at the time? I won’t spoil it for you. You’ll hear more about my theories on the Admiral and the Governor in the newsletter. Let’s just say this issue is going to get steamy!

Anywho - I’m really writing because of something I overheard while I was eavesdropping on your secret meeting the other night. You’re looking for a new familiar? I don’t know why you didn’t think of checking with me. My office has an intern pool that’s ripe for the plucking. It’s just too bad I’ve already sucked most of them dry. But I wanted to tell you about a prospect I found through my internet trolling. His name’s Guillermo and he’s obsessed with vampires. Runs his own blog dedicated to discovering real-life vamps. Imagine that? It’s called GuillermoGoth2000’s Immortal Lair. There’s a lot of standard vampire fetish stuff on there. You know: biting, blood play, some borderline necrophilia… But what caught my eye is how competent and smart he seems. He follows true crime blogs to identify likely vampire attacks and he’s pretty darn good at it. He posted something about that couple you and Nadja ate in the park the other night…

Anyway, check out his blog! He’s obviously not squeamish and it seems like he’d be more than enthusiastic.

Your roommate and best friend,  
Colin Robinson

* * *

**August 19, 2009**  
**Blogspot**  
**GullermoGoth2000’s Immortal Lair**

Hey there, demons and ghouls! It’s your friendly neighborhood cryptid, Guillermo! I’m just hanging out in my lair and planning my next vampire patrol. I’ve been checking a bunch of NYC true crime blogs and I noticed there were two bodies discovered in Staten Island recently that might be promising. Neck wounds!! I’m going to check it out this weekend, if I can get someone to take my shift at Panera.

I’m still holding onto hope, guys! It feels like I’m getting so close to finding a real-life vampire! I don’t know what it is. The bodies turning up...those cryptic comments from devious_simon (Where are you, Simon? I have questions!)...or just my own false hope… But I have this feeling in my gut that it’s going to happen for me. This is the year!

God, it better be my year because--I tell ya--I cannot deal anymore with these Twilight people flooding the vampire forums. If I have to explain to one more noob that vampires don’t freakin’ sparkle, I swear… Sorry, guys. I know some of you like the books. What can I say? I have taste. Look it up. LOL.

Alright, guys. It’s dinner time over here. Wish me luck this weekend!

\- G

 **Comments**  
**Celeste-is-Best said:**  
Ahhh, Twilight. We love to hate it. Or do we hate to love it…? Good luck on your vamp patrol, G.  
**Travelbug54 said:**  
Vampires are not real. Dumb ass!  
**Jerermy666 said:**  
“What can I say? I have taste”  
Ha! Yeah, a taste for Antonio Banderas, maybe…  
**devious_simon said:**  
You’re not ready…………

* * *

**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**To:** travelbug54@aol.com  
**Date:** Oct 2, 2009 9:43PM  
**Subject: RE:** Couldn’t help but overhear...

GREETINGS, COLIN ROBINSON  
I DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR TRAVEL NEWSPAPER OR YOUR 18TH CENTURY GOVERNORS. YOU KNOW I AM ONLY ATTRACTED TO PRESIDENTS. THERE IS NO USE WASTING INTERNET PAPER BY SENDING ME SUCH THINGS.

THANK YOU FOR MAILING ME THIS GUILLERMO’S SECRET JOURNAL. I AM NOT SURE HE WILL MAKE A GOOD FAMILIAR, THOUGH. I DO NOT APPRECIATE HIS HARSH COMMENTS ABOUT TWILIGHT. VAMPIRES CAN SPARKLE IF WE POUR GLITTER ON OURSELVES!

AT THE SAME TIME, HE SEEMS TO KNOW THE SECRET TO OUR EXISTENCE. HE MAY BE POWERFUL, AND I DO NOT WISH FOR SIMON TO GET HIS FILTHY CLAWS ON HIM IF THIS IS THE CASE. YOU KNOW HOW KINKY SIMON IS WHEN IT COMES TO BITING AND FONDLING BODIES. WHAT DOES THE 2000 AT THE END OF HIS NAME SYMBOLIZE? IS THAT THE NUMBER OF MEN IN HIS ARMY?

WHAT IS PANERA? IS HE TRYING TO CONQUER IT?

I COMMAND YOU RESPOND TO THIS ELECTRONIC MESSAGE IMMEDIATELY.

SIGNED,  
NANDOR THE RELENTLESS, CONQUEROR OF THE ETHER

* * *

**To:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**From:** travelbug54@aol.com  
**Date:** Oct 2, 2009 9:49PM  
**Subject: RE:** Couldn’t help but overhear…

I’m literally sitting five feet away from you, man. You could just talk to me. Also, ask Nadja to show you where the Caps Lock button is again. She works up a nice, piquant aggravation whenever she has to deal with technology and I’m feeling a little peckish.

If I were you, I’d give this Guillermo kid a try. At least you won’t have to go through the hassle of hypnosis or deal with human morals. This guy’s not afraid of a little blood and guts. And I’m no expert, but this blog just screams VIRGIN. So, even if it doesn’t work out, you get a nice snack… And if it does work out then I get to feed off his slow-build to despair as you suck the enthusiasm out of him--we all win!

Just my two-cents, Nandorino!  
Colin Robinson

* * *

**To:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 3, 2009 2:13AM  
**Subject:** BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Greetings, Mortal

My name is Nandor the Relentless, and I am seeking a human familiar to do my dark bidding. Nadja tells me I should write something about myself. Though I don’t think it is any of your business, I will tell you this: I was a great and feared warrior of the Ottoman Empire. I pillaged and conquered many towns and villages. Yes…including Nadja’s. But that happened many hundreds of years ago. Today I am a powerful and fearsome vampire with dominion over Staten Island! And I would like to offer you the opportunity to become my familiar.

This is a very esteemed position, but it is not easy and is strictly confidential. That means no more talkings of vampires on your little electronic journal. You must also give up your ambitions of conquering Panera, and come live with me. I will require your services at all times, including weekends. You will be rewarded for your service.

I will say no more, in case Simon is listening. But please respond to my message immediately if you wish to organize an interview.

Signed,  
Nandor the Relentless, Conqueror of Thousands, Immortal Warrior

P.S. I forgot to mention that I have twice turned the Euphrates red with blood.

* * *

**From:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**To:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 3, 2009 8:28AM  
**Subject: RE:** BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Har har Jeremy. You’re hilarious. Did I make fun of you when you thought the Blair Witch Project was real?

* * *

**To:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 5, 2009 7:53PM  
**Subject: RE:** BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

WHO IS THIS? WHO IS JEREMY? I AM NOT JEREMY, I AM NANDOR THE RELENTLESS AND NOBODY MAKES FUN OF ME. IN FACT, I KNEW THE BLAIR WITCH PERSONALLY. SHE WOULD SKIN THE CHILDREN OF FISHERMAN AND USE THEM TO CREATE CUMMERBUNDS. VERY WASTEFUL…SO MUCH BLOOD GONE UNDRUNK.

* * *

**From:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**To:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 5, 2009 8:03PM  
**Subject: RE:** BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Not cool, man. Just tell me this is you so I can stop having an existential crisis in the break room right now...

* * *

**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**To:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 5, 2009 11:23PM  
**Subject: RE:** BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Guillermo, please disregard my last electronic message. I did not realise it was you. I thought that perhaps it was Simon playing one of his tricks. He is a devious man, you should be more careful sending out messages through the ether like this. Did you know that you can catch viruses through the electronic post? I expect a reply to my offer immediately along with a time, date and place of your choosing to conduct an interview. Provided the place is within Staten Island, within five blocks of Ashley Street. And provided the time is between the hours of 7pm and 5am. And not Friday or Saturday night as Danny is hosting the bi-annual vampire orgy and this one is not to be missed, I hear.  
Nandor the Relentless

* * *

**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**To:** travelbug54@aol.com  
**Date:** Oct 5, 2009 11:30PM  
**Subject: RE:** Couldn’t help but overhear...

COLIN ROBINSON, HOW DO I CHANGE THE COLOR OF THE ELECTRONIC TYPING PEN TO BLACK? I CAN’T POSSIBLY APPEAR FEARSOME WITH THIS PINK SCRAWL.  
NANDOR

* * *

* * *

**From:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**To:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 6, 2009 12:03AM  
**Subject: RE:** BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Hello Sir,  
I’m sorry for the last two messages. Honestly, I thought you were a friend of mine playing a prank. He’s always teased me for believing in vampires…

I want to believe you, Nandor. I really do. I’ve dreamed of becoming a vampire since I was a kid. Meeting one in real-life would be a miracle… I mean a gift. But can I trust you? How in the world did you find me, anyway? And if you really are a vampire… I have so many questions. Like, when were you born? Do you really sleep in a coffin? Can you go out in the daytime or not? What about garlic? Crucifixes? Silver?

I guess there’s only one way for me to get these answers. Yes, I would like to set up an interview. There is a Starbucks a few blocks from Ashley Street, would that work for you? Tomorrow at 8pm? Are you able to provide a photo of yourself so I know who to look out for?

I’m curious about what the job entails exactly. And you mentioned something about a reward?

Looking forward to hearing back!  
Guillermo de la Cruz

* * *

**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
To: Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
Date: Oct 7, 2009 6:14PM  
Subject: RE: BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Guillermo, communicating like this is very tiresome. But since it is important to the role of a familiar, I will answer your impertinent questions. Yes, I sleep in a coffin. It is an 18th-century solid oak casket named Shirley. Yes, garlic is bad for us. Not only does it cause us severe indigestion but we also vomit out our intestines and it’s very messy. It also burns our skin. Sunlight is far worse and we will burst into flames if exposed, or so I’ve heard. I’ve never actually seen it happen. Why else would I organise an interview for the night times? Crucifixes – not good. Silver – worse. Silver butt plugs? Definitely not. I hope you are taking notes, Guillermo. These things are important. You will need to commit these facts and many protocols to memory if you wish to be my familiar.

I see your impertinence knows no bounds. Not only do you demand personal details and top-secret vampire information, you also demand information I was planning to divulge to you during your interview interrogation. Very well. Wait a moment while I get Colin Robinson to help me with the lists.

I am back. These are only some of the many things you will be tasked with as my familiar:

  * Helping me in and out of my coffin each night & morning (must be excellent hand-holder)
  * Dressing & grooming me (experience caring for capes and boots is a plus)
  * Cleaning my crypt and coffin (this includes any body fluids)
  * Cleaning the house (this includes the cell)
  * Ensuring all the windows in the house are safely boarded up to keep out sunlight
  * Finding virgins for my meals (this is a big one, Guillermo. A happy master means a happy familiar)
  * Hygienic waste disposal
  * Laundry
  * Shopping



A familiar must also be loyal and subservient, and understand that they will be my inferior. If you become my familiar, you will take orders from me only! In return I will grant you a bed to sleep in (at $1,200/month) and the promise of eternal life eventually, should you prove to be a worthy familiar.

I understand that meeting a terribly intimidating, revered creature such as myself must be spooky for you, so I will meet you in this public marketplace at the time you have chosen. But know this: the job of a familiar is an intimate one and a vampire’s life is a dangerous one, so I cannot just pluck any stranger off the street. You will need to impress me if you are to prove yourself worthy.

Nandor the Relentless  
P.S. I have asked my roommate, Colin Robinson, to help me enclose the portrait you requested. As you can see I am a very handsome, very cool vampire. You should consider yourself lucky to meet me, many humans would grovel for the chance. Many humans have groveled to me, in fact. But usually it is because I have just set their entire village on fire and they do not wish to be “lit” as the human youth slang goes...

Attachment: Nandy.jpg

* * *

**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**To:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 6, 2009 7:01PM  
Subject: RE: BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Wow! Thank you for the picture. I don’t think I could possibly miss you… Here’s a photo of me...in case you want it.

Those duties sound, um...challenging. But maybe not so different from the summer I worked in a nursing home? And besides, it will all be worth it once I’m a vampire!

Can’t wait to meet!

-Guillermo

Attachment: guillermodelacruz.jpg

* * *

**My Drive > blog stuff > Interview Notes/Inspiration**

  * Shake hands, introduce yourself (Don’t gush! DO! NOT! CRY!)
  * Be yourself, people like you, you’re friendly and smart and competent
  * You’re eager, fast learner
  * Not squeamish (**hygienic waste disposal** ask about this???)
  * Finding virgins...how exactly? Also police???
  * Don’t ask anymore cheesy vampire questions. Be cool.
  * You deserve this, Memo. You are meant for greater things!!
  * Please don’t cry!!!!!!



* * *

**From: Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com**  
**To:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 7, 2009 11:58PM  
**Subject:** Familiar Interview - Thank you! And sorry...

Dear Mr. Relentless, I just wanted to thank you and to apologize again. I didn’t realize you would want to see my “human dwelling” after the interview. My mother can be really overbearing when we have guests and I had no idea that vampires react so strongly to human food. I’m already learning! I promise to catch on quickly once I start working for you. If I get the job, of course!

Thank you again for finding me and meeting with me! Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that a vampire would come looking for ME! I’ve been stalking murder blogs and taking midnight walks through the park for years hoping to find one of you and then one day I get an email message from a real, actual vampire! Sorry I didn’t believe you at first, by the way…

I look forward to hearing back about the job!

-Guillermo de la Cruz

P.S. You mentioned reaching out through the ether? How, exactly, does that work?

* * *

**From:** Nandortherelentless@hotmail.com  
**To:** Guillermogoth2000@gmail.com  
**Date:** Oct 10, 2009 1:23AM  
**Subject: RE:** BECOME MY DARK SERVANT

Guillermo, I must say you were not what I was expecting. Your electronic journal painted you as somebody far more interesting and robust. I did not expect you to be a virgin either, and this may be a problem. However I have given it much thought and you have many of the qualities I desire in a familiar. You are quiet, spiritless and easily manipulated, and judging by the amount of vampire pictures and books in your dwelling, and the fact that you broke down in tears for a solid five minutes while I was trying to speak with you, it is obvious that you are not a danger to myself and my fellow vampire housemates. Your devotion to my kind is pathetic and I must admit I felt pity for you. Because of this, and because you were the only person to respond to my summons, I am willing to allow you a 2-week trial as my familiar. I expect you to begin your trial tomorrow night. It has been some time without my former familiar, and I am running out of clean capes.

Nandor the Relentless

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> So.....how was it?


End file.
